Rollercoaster

I'm sure this is to be expected, but I find my spirits soaring one minute, and then sinking to the floor the next. This has been happening for days, but it's becoming more clear to me recently.

He was alert and very responsive this morning. Per my brother's suggestion last night, I downloaded a nifty voice recorder application for my iphone. I recorded messages from my daughters this morning and played them back for him when I arrived today. I could tell he was focusing intently on what he was hearing.

I also threw out an alternative means of communication. Pointing out to him that this was only temporary, I fully expect to hear his voice again soon. So, I took his hand, and asked for one squeeze for yes, and two for no. He squeezed my hand a single time. That was a good start, but I worried as he'd been squeezing my hand since I arrived. "Okay, good start," I said "now for the 2nd part, is my name Fred?" I was pretty nervous as he squeezed my hand, and then a moment later, he squeezed again.

Speaking of hands. How many times a day do you wash your hands? One of the ICU nurses told me that he washes his hands 100 times a day. More than 10 and mine are so dry they feel like sandpaper.

Another topic, particular to this blog as I don't know who all will read it. A sincere thank you to all of the family and friends that have emailed, called or visited since this happened. You'll never know how much you have meant to the entire family. You lifted our spirits, occupied our minds, and filled our bellies. On that last one, maybe too much for me personally. We'll find out at the weigh-in this Saturday.

Lunchtime was different. His fever was up and he was clearly exhausted. After checking on him, I went to lunch with the family. Our spirits are up, but we're worried about the fever.

After work, he was more interactive. Still feverish but more responsive. I tried to get a similar hand squeeze response to this morning, but he didn't respond. It could be that he wasn't interested, or I didn't explain well enough. He didn't want to make a lot of eye contact for some reason. He'd squeeze my hand, but not in reaction to anything I was saying. Maybe I'm expecting too much, too early.

Last visit for the day, and it was pretty similar to earlier. He seemed restless, and was having trouble figuring out how he wanted to hold my hand or my arm. He moved from my elbow to my hand to my wrist and back again. He would smile based on what we were saying, but he was erratic with his hand. I'm puzzled, and sad. It's one thing to hear how long a process this is, as well as the odds against him. It's another to accept it.